Establishing boundaries and focusing on my own life and dreams does not come easily or naturally to me. This is what makes me a fantastic mother, yet a bit messed up as a person.
I am making progress, though. First of all, I finally have dreams for my own life. This is a somewhat recent event, and I am still in awe of just how great my life is now. I wake up early each morning and work on achieving those dreams. I am trying to rely less on how I feel, or what my mood is. This is difficult sometimes. If I’m somber and introspective, it’s difficult to be motivated to join the group discussion for school. So I go for a walk, clear my head, then get down to business. Incidentally, this is what I do if I get writer’s block as well. It doesn’t happen often, I am blessed in that respect, but when it does, it’s time to get some fresh air and relax my brain. As soon as I step away from the computer, and away from the pads of paper, the ideas come gushing forth.
I gave up on dating, and my career took off. I know this isn’t the answer for everybody, but most people attract better relationship prospects than I do. Until I figure out why I attract psychotic people, I shall stay single. It may sound selfish, but I have just enough mental energy for my own life, and for my kids. Not enough to nurture clingy significant others. This is a huge breakthrough. In the past, I devoted all of my energy into my relationships, and was too mentally exhausted to care that I had no career options, and no future planned after my children grow up. My whole goal in life was to raise my kids.
In the short-lived relationships I had, I made myself too available. Many nights of sleep were lost because of other people’s crises. Which is not horrible if it’s a reciprocal relationship. Mine were all one sided. The one time I needed help or support, the man of the moment was not available. I deserve better. I turn my phone on silent, and no longer answer calls received at midnight or three a.m. My day starts at 5am and doesn’t end until almost midnight sometimes. These boundaries are for my own mental health.